As St Augustine once said, “the measure of love is to love without measure.” Balancing a career you love, remaining socially open and relationship friendly can be an opportunity for consciously stewarding the chanciness of love and facilitating your need for connectedness.
Jerica Jech found herself suddenly single at 48. Through a process of healing from her divorce, recovering her confidence, learning about men and how to find love again she got results. Jerica got engaged 2 years after divorce. Yes, through online dating!
Bullet Points
Free Guide: Stuck Getting Started Finding a Relationship?
Knowledge Bomb
About the Guest
Jerica Jech is a dating and love coach for midlife women.
About the Show
Podcast Host: Life & Leadership: A Conscious Journey with Dr. Michelle St Jane
A podcast for Global and Re-Emerging Leadership creating community/tribe, a circle of influence, transcendency of compassionate leadership in the world and wider universe. A unique destination for learning about Leadership + Conscious Stewardship + Legacy.
Social media accounts:
As St Augustine once said, “the measure of love is to love without measure.” Balancing a career you love, remaining socially open and relationship friendly can be an opportunity for consciously stewarding the chanciness of love and facilitating your need for connectedness.
Jerica Jech found herself suddenly single at 48. Through a process of healing from her divorce, recovering her confidence, learning about men and how to find love again she got results. Jerica got engaged 2 years after divorce. Yes, through online dating!
Bullet Points
Free Guide: Stuck Getting Started Finding a Relationship?
Knowledge Bomb
About the Guest
Jerica Jech is a dating and love coach for midlife women.
About the Show
Podcast Host: Life & Leadership: A Conscious Journey with Dr. Michelle St Jane
A podcast for Global and Re-Emerging Leadership creating community/tribe, a circle of influence, transcendency of compassionate leadership in the world and wider universe. A unique destination for learning about Leadership + Conscious Stewardship + Legacy.
Social media accounts:
Michelle St Jane 00:01
Welcome to Life and Leadership. I believe in creating community and creating space to be curious. This podcast aims to take you on a conscious journey through quality, diverse, innovative content in conversation. My hope is that we create a circle of influence, a transcendency of compassionate leadership in the world and the wide universe.
00:24
I have with me today Love Coach Jerica Jech, for people who are doing midlife dating. She has been there - got a sweatshirt and a cap. After Jerica's divorce, she lost her home, her family, identity and dreams of what she thought the future would look like. I think you're going to be a fabulous guest, Jerica. So dating is a skill. What are the top three skills you need for dating, Jerica?
Jerica Jech 00:54
I got divorced at 48 and I immediately went to trying to figure out what went wrong and trying to learn more. What I really learned is it's just so different than what we thought we were all supposed to be doing. I think that in terms of relationships and dating, people don't really think of that as a growth area or a learning area, or that there might be things to know besides what you know from your girlfriends and magazines. It turns out a lot of that stuff is not true, so in terms of it being a skill, I would say the most important thing is to be open to learning and to do things differently.
01:33
If you’re dating in midlife something, and it didn't go right the first time around, you really want to be open minded. Be more purposeful in the way you're doing things so that you're doing it differently. Not just repeating the past. That's the number one thing none of us want to do is repeat the past.
Michelle St Jane 01:49
Good point. I would add to what you've said. Our relationships, often, are for a reason, a season and a lifetime. Plus, we're living in the 21st century where we could be living to 120, 130 years old and living well. The people you may have wanted to date pre-40 may not be the people you want to date post 60. I've heard it said that the 60s are the new 40s. Rethinking how we do this and having all this godlike technology, I think it'll take some new skills for sure. You've been a veteran of this, you've been actually successful. You're engaged Jerica?
Jerica Jech 02:26
Yes, I just got engaged in October. Actually, right now we are looking for a house together. A really exciting times. I'd love to tell a little bit more about my story, or did you have a specific question you wanted me to deal into?
Michelle St Jane 02:40
Please tell your story. I'm curious.
Jerica Jech 02:42
I was divorced at 48. It was very unexpected. I actually started online dating pretty much right away. Everyone has their own timeline and I just don't really believe in rights and wrongs about that.
02:54
I mean, once we're in midlife it's really a deep dive into “you.” What do you want? It’s like a journey that you go on. For me, it was a journey of healing and then part of that healing was getting back out there online dating.
03:08
The good thing about online dating, now I'm kind of a cheerleader, I guess for online dating I know so many people really hate it, but I consider myself a bit of an online dating Ninja. I do believe there are specific strategies you can use and then also specific mindsets of how you're looking at it, and that's really what's going to help in making it better.
03:31
So, let's get back to my story. I did online dating off and on for probably only about six months, I think before I met my fiancé. I do have my share of stories of online dating that didn't go well. We can maybe talk about some of those. But one of the things you were talking about the skills, and we were talking about how to do things differently.
03:50
One of the really important thing that I believe is actually young women should be doing as well but times 100 when we're older, is to slow down. In dating in general, and in online dating specifically. In our modern world, like everything, is so fast, fast, fast.
04:08
Then all these messages that we see in the movies are all about love just happens to you accidentally and immediately. It's like the guy moves in next door and boom, he's your lifelong partner and it pretty much happens instantly.
04:25
Women don't really want to go through this slow down and vetting process. That's what dating is. It's a process of meeting different men, chatting with different men, to figure out which ones do you like, and going from there but slowing the whole thing down is so important.
04:46
One of the other things I would say that I did that was very different is I was very open minded in the way that I looked at my swiping with online dating. Again, my thought was I need to do things differently, so that means looking at different men then who I might automatically be swiping on and looking at online dating. I'm just throwing in so many tips here all over, but you can hopefully put them all together and use them together. But you want to see online dating as just an opportunity to meet men who you wouldn't meet in real life, you want to meet them.
05:20
The big emphasis here is you want to meet them. You're not going to discover what someone's like through texts and pictures, and a couple sentences. I think that's one of the big mistakes that people make in online dating. They think that they quote, ‘know somebody,’ or they know who they are based on these pictures and a little bit of text, and maybe the messaging back and forth. Then they get super disappointed when: Oh my gosh, this guy's a total jerk. Well, you didn't know him. If you were just to pick randomly from a crowd of people that you see, nobody sees crowds anymore, but a crowd of people, let's say it's a concert a couple years ago or something, and you just randomly pick somebody, you wouldn't think: Oh, he's probably for me. And if he's not like me once in a lifetime love, then: Gosh what a jerk.
06:06
You would be more just thinking: “I wonder who that person is.” That's a lot of the attitude that you want to go into it with, and that's the attitude that I went into it with when I met my fiancé. I was very much just like: I wonder what he's all about.
06:20
When I was swiping, I didn't think: Oh my God, this guy is the love of my life. I actually couldn't even really tell what he looked like very well from his profile. I got a couple little facts; we messaged a little bit back and forth. I could see like:
Sure, what the heck, I'll go to coffee with him. I'm slowing the whole thing down.
We as women tend to not want to go on a date with somebody unless we think like it's possible that this could be a relationship. Well, what happened to just meet somebody like a 20-minute coffee date and that's it. We're in 2021. 2020, with the pandemic, it might just be a 10- minute video date, and then you got to know them and that's it.
Michelle St Jane 07:04
A really good point. I really think it's a pity we can't go back to the days of writing letters, and things like that. But I agree with you. I bring curiosity and a liking of people not looking for Prince Charming. That's bound to lead to an adolescent, not a king who is going to show up. Who's the king who's interested in you and bringing his real self. Is he worth your time? I have noticed a number of stories where successful women have met men that they would never have chosen if they hadn't got to know them and built a friendship before a lust-ship. Tell us the story of how you met your man?
Jerica Jech 07:48
Okay, so I saw him online, I thought, what the heck, we went out for coffee. Again, there were no fireworks. Again, slowing things down and not having these really elevated expectations, like you just mentioned. I thought, why not go out on another date with him. Again, it was just very, trying to take some of the emotions out of it because that's another big mistake that we make, and just a big problem that we make for ourselves is making this huge roller coaster of emotions. Then when I went out on the first date with him, that's where we connected a little bit more, but still went pretty slow.
08:26
I'll give it a few more examples of the slowness. I really only saw him once a week, in the beginning time, in the beginning few months probably, like once a week, and then we really did not text or message or phone call in between that. It's very much about just slowing everything down, which is actually fun and flirty and sexy. It's a mystery. It's that positive tension like:
He wonders:
Leaving these thoughts in his mind, what is it all about for him to be like wondering about me?
Then of course, I'm wondering about him as well, but slowing it down.
09:05
I think it was our third date where sparks really started to fly. I still, at that point, did not stop swiping on other men. We'd only been on three dates and that was over a period of three weeks. I was thinking like he hasn't said we're exclusive. I haven't said I'm exclusive with him. You assume that you're both still open to other possibilities.
09:30
We just slowly kept dating and just slowly fell in love with each other I guess, is how I would put it. It wasn't this instant firecrackers thing that we all see in the movies, but it was just more of a slow burn, which as I said. Like what's wrong with the sexy slow burn. Like we all put so much emphasis on this like instant fireworks. If it's not instant fireworks, and it's not meant to be! Like maybe we want to do things differently!
10:00
To go a little bit more into this story, after we had been dating for a while and COVID hit last March, we had been together for one year, another interesting thing about our connection is what had really bonded us together was our love of travel. We both really love to travel. In 2019, we actually went to Buenos Aires, and Santiago, Chile together for three weeks. I'm so glad that we did that, the lockdown with everything, but it's something that we've talked about for our retirement and our real love and things that we love to do together.
10:31
It's been this big irony that in March of 2020, we had to cancel several travel plans for 2020 of course. Even though that was what had brought us together and what had bonded us, then being thrown into this situation where we could not travel at all, instead of that causing friction or boredom or disinterest, what was left was our love for each other. It wasn't just about traveling. Traveling to the grocery store is now like the most exciting thing that goes on. Yet the love remains, I guess that's how I'd wrap up our love story now.
11:11
Now as I said, we are both selling our homes as we live separately and looking to buy a home together. We're going to start living together and then we're going to get married. Of course, with COVID and everything, we don't know exactly when that's going to happen. Everything's up in the air for everyone, and that's our story.
Michelle St Jane 11:27
It was certainly a great story. I'm with you on the slow burn. I don't like to be rushed. I don't feel like from lust, an enduring, sustainable relationship can happen. I totally agree with you. A great tip you heard about dating around, I think Dr. Gray. John Gray of Mars and Venus, and one of his strategies to women is date around. It's also good practice, it's good to talk to other people and dating around as a smart way to go. It's not a cultural or natural thing for women. I also hesitate but I really like people.
12:18
I think when I get to online dating, I'll definitely have to do the dating around. I like the way that you were talking once a week. I have a very fulfilled and robust life. For me, an attractive man would be someone who has a vibrant life. Then we come together and share the joys and the lemons. I don't want my life halting, and I don't think it'll bring my best to me if I changed my life to fit him, or him to me, to fit me.
12:47
I love the fact that you built the relationship in such a lovely way of connecting and having quality time rather than quantity time. Those were really great tips. You found your common blocks with the traveling and now the housing. Are you in the same state or city?
Jerica Jech 13:07
Yes, we are in the same city and this is another positive about online dating. He actually lives only 15 minutes away. I live in Seattle, a Metropolitan City and online dating is not going to necessarily set you up with your perfect match, but what it does do is introduce you to men who are in your area that you wouldn't have met otherwise. Like, he only lives 15 minutes away. When we really compare our lives, sure we've been sometimes to the same places. But really not in our regular life.
13:40
Like you said, both of us had very full lives. Our paths probably never would have crossed. That's just part of modern life and living in a metropolitan area. Online dating doesn't provide you with any guarantees. It definitely gives you the opportunity for lots of interesting stories and the opportunity to meet men who you’d otherwise would never run into.
Michelle St Jane 14:03
Absolutely. That's a really good point to bring up and the chance to enjoy the humaneness of other people as well, and to reconnect and still recall how to have conversations rather than the faces and emoticons.
14:22
Why look for men when you're over 40? Lots of people feel like you're done and dusted.
Jerica Jech 14:28
I think that's a really important question to explore. For my clients, I always emphasize that I'm here to help you find a new relationship and yourself along the way because it really is about finding you. In finding you, you find what you want, you find what you like. You find all about you basically.
14:50
I think it's a really important exercise to ask yourself, why do you want a partner? For example, I firmly believe that we are meant as human beings, as we have all discovered in COVID, we're meant to have contact with other people. We're meant to be in a tribe. I believe that also includes that one person that you have the most contact with. It's a person to share in so many things in your life, and also to help you grow. That person who's with you every day. That person who knows you at the depths of everything. It's not always fun to be growing and learning by yourself. That's the beautiful opportunity that a partner has.
15:29
Here's the reason why you need to know why you're looking for someone. I believe in really having a lot of different reasons why. I mentioned the sharing things and the growth. There's also just little things like: I just want somebody to help me bring in the groceries. These might be just small things. To feel like a team to just feel like I'm not doing it alone. I had a lot of really, really deep reasons why and some, like I said, we're smaller reasons why.
15:57
You need to have these because dating in general, and online dating involves a lot of crazy experiences. And some of them are not fun:
When you have the strong "why", just like in business or in other areas of your life, that's what gets you to dust yourself off, and keep going. Because your "why" is bigger than that little rejection or that disappointment, and you can move beyond it.
Michelle St Jane 16:27
Great point. I totally agree with you, having been very successful, lived a very passionate and vibrant life, my "why" was something I had to really be thinking about aa I've been divorced for over four years. My "why" actually came down to being a woman of a certain age who enjoys relationships and spent more of my life married than single.
16:51
I really miss being in my feminine. A significant partner gives me an opportunity to do that. Having been widowed and divorced and having had a really good relationship and struggled through the challenges of a not so healthy relationship, I’m very clear that it needs to be a man where I can step into my feminine. I don't want to be wearing the pants. I've moved past looking for a romantic partner and moving towards a spiritual partner.
17:26
A spiritual partner can include romance, but more:
I really have been through the ups and downs and very loyal. I have now come to a point at this stage of life, this partner needs to be someone who’s living into the joy of life, they need to be soul seekers. People who are evolving not into the drama and chaos but into evolving into wellbeing and joy of living into the best they can be. I want more laughter and less lamenting.
18:15
Femininity is the biggest part that gets lost in the busyness of a women’s life. I think when you're really successful in your life and your career, we can do it all as women, we have it all as women now. When I actually looked at why I would want to engage in a relationship with its ups and downs, I thought wow, this is an opportunity to step into my femininity with a man who wants to be a man, who wants to live up as a man in his best self, as opposed to someone who's not.
18:46
In New Zealand, these older ladies I used to play Mah Jong with, had a lot to say whenever they'd hear talk about dating or somebody getting a new partner. First question every time was: “Is he looking for a nurse and a purse”?
18:59
I mean, those two words, ‘nurse and purse.’ He needs to have health insurance? If you have a health event funded for the quality of life you would like to have. If you have challenges or need further support? I'm all in but I'm not good at being your nurse and purse at this stage of my life. I've spent so much of my life being in service and contributing. Now is the time to enjoy a spiritual partnership where I can evolve in joy and partnership, not taking charge and being over responsible.
Jerica Jech 19:40
Absolutely. I love how clear you are on what you want. The really cool thing about that, like if you were a client that I was working with, you can start with looking for that certain type of man. You're very clear on that you want right from the very beginning. Like if you're wanting to lean into your femininity and you're wanting someone who's more masculine, you can see that right from the first messages that he'll send you. Right from your first coffee date. There's different things that you can do, right from the beginning. That's again, another reason to do, that slowing down. I really believe in how you start off your relationship, often that is how it will continue.
20:18
Those of us who've been through divorce and who've been through these other things, like it's really hard to fix, once things have gone south. That's why I really believe we all should be working with a professional. This is one of, if not the most important decision of your life and yet, we're going into its willy nilly wanting it to happen on accident and in one day, instead of really thinking through what we want.
20:44
Instead, really going through the process of:
Another reason why knowing your "why" or your "why's" really just helps you determine that whole past to a positive relationship, not like just any relationship. That's the thing about us being in midlife, we're not just looking for just anybody. This isn't about settling here, because we don't need a man, it's that we want one. I believe there's a lot of freedom in that, and again, just slow down. Slow down and get what you want.
Michelle St Jane 21:21
Great words of wisdom there. To me, I would appreciate a man who shows up as a man who knows how to be one. You also made some really valid points because I've had certain standing in my communities and in my careers. Unlike most women, I'm not going to go in and share all my history and background.
If women slow down and listen, men don't ask you. Ask an open-ended questions, he'll tell you what he wants you to know and you can make a decision. But if you're so busy telling them how many kids you got, how many you want, how you want to be married, how terrible the last two or three relationships were, all your woes, it's a therapy chat. It is not an invitation to partnership, it's a dumping ground.
22:20
I've noticed that some men do that as well, like bring your best self to serve your best future. I agree with you, people certainly need training around conversations. What to have and what not have – do not overshare.
As a professional woman, I could not go around discussing my household problems and my teenagers. That actually would impact my credibility as a professional, worse because I'm a woman. If a man is sitting there talking about his teenager, it's a hoot but if you are, it's a designation on how well you are doing.
22:55
We touched on the masculine energy to support the spirit, which is definitely a driver for me. I thought you did a recent blog around sex in the midlife. What are you going to add to the conversation around that?
Jerica Jech 23:08
How X-rated do we want to get here? All of these things, all goes back to you and what you want. Okay. I think that as we get older too, we've realized, we only really do have one life to live. As far as our sexuality goes, if there's something specific that we want, if we don't speak up, it doesn't happen automatically. We've got to be able to speak up, we've got to be able to communicate this and that goes with sex as it does with any other aspect of our lives. We've got to just have the courage.
23:41
First of all, and this is actually a really important thing for us as women, to know what we want. There's too many of us who really, we kind of either lost what we wanted, or we just haven't studied it. You have to just repeatedly ask yourself the question: What do you want? We tend to know what we don't want but we don't tend to focus enough on what we want. So, in the bedroom, just like anywhere else, it's like: What do you want? That's not just a question you just asked for one moment, and most of us would be like: I don't know. That's honestly how most of us are going to answer or we can list some things that we don't want. But it has to be like a continual journey to you. That's why the work that I do, does not starts with trying to find this relationship, trying to find a man but it's really this continued journey to you. A lot of that is continuing to ask, what do I want? And then of course, the next step is to actually communicate that.
Michelle St Jane 24:35
Brilliant! You've got so much wisdom. I was reading some books in 2019 because I was thinking about online dating, it's been a bit of a long process. One of the books around why relationships fail is because women are bored. I mean, season ends, no longer any romance. Basically, one of the tips for men was don’t let your woman get bored, so this is why dating is so important. This is why some role playing can be very important just to name two ideas that I recall from the book. If you've been married before, most women know not long after the gold ring goes on, he relaxes into his man cave, his sports, his friends, doing ‘nothing is a job’ at times for him. It's very important as he rebuilds his testosterone. Yet, it's very important, for us women to understand that.
A big part of why relationships will dissolve, or where women will stray is because men get too boring.
25:48
Let's go to your online dating stories. The good, the weird, the crazy, I'd love for you to share some experience.
Jerica Jech 25:56
Well, of course, the good news is that I'm now engaged, that would be the ultimate good. I'll tell one of the bad stories. Again, as we talked earlier, having a reason why is important. This story will kind of get to like when something like this happens, you need to have your reason why.
26:12
I call this situation, The 7Eleven . Now, since you have a global audience, a 7Eleven basically like a convenience store. A little store to get candy and juice and whatever, at the corner. I was still living at my married home. I had just gotten onto online dating. I went to the 7Eleven to get something and the man who was behind the counter looked at me. He was like: “Oh I saw you on Match, didn't I? I was just horrified. I mean, first of all, it's somebody who works in 7Eleven but even beyond that, being approached like that! I had never thought that someone I knew or someone who knew me out in the real world, not that I really knew him, but I kind of knew in my face. But somebody that knew me out in the real world would see me online and then say that. I felt so disgusted and so violated. I thought it was completely inappropriate. I didn't like how he, that's none of your business and what are you even saying this to me for? I left the 7Eleven and was humiliated/ didn't feel safe. I mean, this is right by my house, so I felt very uncomfortable.
27:22
It gets a little bit worse. About a week later, my ex texted me and said: Oh, so and so from the 7Eleven like asked me permission to court you.” I was just violated, pissed, I felt unsafe again. I'm just like, what right do they have to be discussing me and it was horrible, it was awful. I could have gone into the depths of despair and I just want to hide and other people are gonna see this too.
27:47
You never know who can see that you're online. I could have gone into that whole big spiral but because I had my reason why, I knew down to the core of my being that I wanted a life partner. I wanted that so bad and I had that why so quickly.
28:05
My attitude kind of changed to: I'm not going to let those things mess up my plan. Like, who cares, they can do whatever they want, I'm not going to say anything about it to my ex. I didn't even respond. I actually didn't go to the 7Eleven again for about six months. Obviously did still bother me but I wasn't going to let it stop me. That's my own bad story, and also explains why you need a reason why because weird stuff happens in online dating, it does.
Michelle St Jane 28:31
Wow, that is a story of warnings on many levels. Thank you for sharing it because I live in a very small community. This has been one issue I've been wrestling with. The fact that I put myself out there. Someone said to me the other day: “You should do online dating. People don't feel the way they used to feel about it.” But do they? Do they not? Or when it serves them to, they'll use it like, you're online, you're like Desperate Debbie here? I love you coming back to your "why", that's just so important.
Jerica Jech 29:15
I'll tell you another fun story. This one's a fun story. This one I call the baseball date. This one, the world I guess behind the story is just to enjoy the process and enjoy the adventure and just enjoy actually dating and meeting people. This guy, we've gone out on one date, what I call the coffee date, the meet and greet. Then we decided to go on another date. He, I guess being that masculine energy man, came up with this really creative idea to invite me to play, I guess it was softball, co-ed softball on a not serious league or whatever. I'm like, okay I'm 48. I'm generally did consider myself to be athletic whether I still am now hmmm. Hadn't played baseball or softball in at least 10 years but I was like, I'm in this for the adventure. I'm going to do this. I even went out and practiced. I practiced playing catch with my dad, he's probably 75 at that time.
30:08
I practiced hitting the ball and everything sounds like okay. He didn't expect me to be good at it. But you know, I wanted to not be embarrassed myself so here's where the funny part of the story comes in. We get on the date. We go to play, and I'm really nervous about playing. Plus, I don't know this guy. I don't know any of the people on the team. Nothing. I went up to bat and the ground below my feet was like really, really dusty and unstable. So, I swung, I hit the ball, points for Jerica. That was really exciting. The fact that I even hit it, and I hit it right to first base, which is not great. Then I went to charge off of the base, start running to first and because the ground was kind of unstable, I did like a superhero straight out plunge, face down into the dirt. Literally right in front of the dugout where he and my entire team were all sitting and watching. I was just getting up literally like a mouthful of dirt, plus I'm 48. I mean this hurt, I'm acting like it's all good, so it’s so cool.
31:17
There were some more adventures later that happened.. Where I was the outfield, I think that was the next inning, and the ball, I was in the position that is the least likely to have to do anything, because they don't know me, so they put me on the outfield. But right away, the very first hit is a fly ball directly to me. Directly, like I didn't have to run or anything. I put my hand out and I caught it again, yay, points for Jerica. But because I was so out of practice! I caught it with my non- gloved hand, I caught it like in my right hand, you're supposed to catch it in your left hand where the glove is, and that hurt like beep, beep, beep, it hurts so bad. But I caught the ball, and everybody was cheering and again. I was just like limping back to the dugout. Everybody's like, yeah Jerica! Like I had a bruise on my palm from that experience.
32:16
The date ended up going great and was really fun, even though it was also really embarrassing. But I guess like I said, my moral there is to grab the adventure of it. It's about getting out of your comfort zone, squeezing all the juice out of life. Again, in midlife, we're looking for a little adventure, a little fun.
32:35
One of the things maybe, it was one of my "why's", one of the things that was going through my head always when I was dating is like, being after divorce was like: Hey, I'm not dead yet. I'm not dead, like I'm still here. I'm here to grab on the life and squeeze all the juice from it and do the crazy stuff and embarrass myself or whatever. I'm here to live life. That's my crazy fun story.
Michelle St Jane 32:58
You were showing up, so you got a chance to see whether he'd provide security and how he would react. Mean or caring? Best to find out early. Being a super klutz myself at times, I'd rather get seen raw, green upfront than after the fact. What you see is what you get.
33:30
I loved your YouTube on how to have a virtual date. What stands out for you that you would do differently from a regular date and the virtual date?
Jerica Jech 33:41
We've all had so much practice with that this year. And it's very much about how do you figure out the things that you can do? So, from very small things like how your camera is angled. Things and like, don't have trash or weird stuff in the background or questionable pictures or whatever. Having a good camera angle, not looking at your non attractive angle, or whatever, so you start with stuff like that. Some of the things that are really fun is you can find a couple things around the house that are like personal items to you that you can talk about. That can be a launch off point to get to know each other. Of course, think about something that you would want to share with him, he could pick out an item, and talk about why it's interesting for you. Then the other thing that I talked about in that video that I think would be really fun and again, you would want to arrange this with the person ahead of time is to actually do a dinner date, or hors d'oeuvres or whatever.
34:34
To actually set up this I would recommend this more for like a third date or a fourth date or a little further along. Maybe, do coffee first keep it pretty short like just 10 minutes. If you want to do something more elaborate, actually plan, tell each other, let's plan a drink and or a dinner and then a dessert so that you're actually going through and doing some of those real things that you would be doing on a date. Then of course, to get into your feminine, as you're talking about before, you could like describe the different foods and how they taste or how they feel in your mouth that can even get like a little bit flirty, a little bit sexy. You could do that and not show what the food is, but just taste it. Then maybe he could guess and then you could do the same. Just to get playful with it, have fun with it and try to loosen up and use the things that you can do in a virtual setting.
Michelle St Jane 35:31
I love your creativity around that. What a good idea. You're actually raised two things for me: manners maketh man. I was a very strict mother with my sons in terms of them knowing how to eat at a table and how to talk. I don't know if they're continuing it but there's nothing worse than a man who wants to talk with his mouth full of food. Another funny thing, which I quite like about your virtual date is I just really respect a man who has a pair of shiny smart dress shoes. Everyone is in sneakers and flip flops and things like that, so that might be a good one, two points you can easily get or get discounted for.
36:11
I really respect a man who can dress to impress and have shiny clean shoes. Mind you, I had a coffee with a colleague recently and he was talking about how he's single and really likes a woman who wears a dress and a blazer and heels. I was there in jeans smarter. I do like to wear dresses and I do like to wear heels. But when you have a parked car, walk a few blocks, those heels are usually hurry up and sit-down heels.
Where do you see us going in 2021 with dating?
Jerica Jech 37:04
I think the lids off at some point there's going to be a big explosion because we've all been contained. We've all been holding back. Some people are out there dating, and I would say, there's some really positive things about COVID. The pandemic tends to slow people down. I already talked a bunch about the huge importance of that. I use video dates, use your head, think about what you want, that's what everything always comes back to.
37:36
In 2021, I do not know if it'll be April, if it will be September or whatever, at some point, hopefully we will all be able to get out more back in the world the way we did before COVID BC. I think it probably will explode in a little bit of an awkward way because I don't know about you, and just even apart from dating, just socializing and talking to people and being around other people. I think we're all kind of desperate for it and at the same time, we're all going to be a little awkward, a little uncomfortable, a little stumbling, and it's going to be an interesting explosion, I think, of social interactions of all kinds. I'm really excited for that.
Michelle St Jane 38:18
Yes, really good point. My 2020 and early 2021 time is around people who are COVID careful. I tend to do my in-person socializing a maximum of 1-2 times a week, which is very limited. I would imagine it's going to be a slow adjustment. And I’m an in-person person. I'm not crazy about screens. I appreciate the godlike technology and use it on a need’s basis.
Jerica Jech 38:49
Yes.
Michelle St Jane 38:51
Any last thoughts or tips, Jerica? You've just been amazing.
Jerica Jech 38:55
I'm just going to repeat, it's all about you. Asking, what do you want? So, if you start off by: Oh, what do men want, and what do they need? No! Bring it back to yourself. When in doubt, always bring it back to yourself. What do you want, whether it's in the moment, in the bigger picture, whatever brings it back to you will always bring you back to the place that you want to be.
Michelle St Jane 39:18
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, strength, hope, fabulous tips, and glorious stories. You really rocked the space, Jerica. Thank you.
Jerica Jech 39:28
You're welcome Michelle, this has been so much fun. I always love to talk about dating and online dating.
Michelle St Jane 39:36
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